Large, But Not In Charge

I thought I had everything figured out with my pregnancies and my body. I am pretty consistent in that I carry them right up to the end, and they're born within the last week. Kelsey was 1 week early exactly. But I've never gone over. So when my mom was scheduling her flight to come here so she could help with the baby, we thought it was going to be nice and smooth. I picked her up early the morning of Aug. 2nd. I was even thinking there'd be a chance she might miss the birth, but that would be okay because the time I needed help the most would be the days and week following. My actual "due date" was the 7th. We were all super surprised when we actually got to that day. Surely he would have been born by then! But with each passing hour of each passing day, and not a whole lot of contractions to show for it, I grew (and continue to grow) more and more depressed. Now it's the night of the 10th and my mom and Sarah will be gone in 48 hours. Still no sign of him coming anytime soon. It's hard to express how upsetting this has been for me. Not just because I'm sick of being pregnant, though surely I am very sick of it. But because they came here for almost 2 weeks to be able to help out with the baby, and now they might not even get to see him at all. That's a lot of time and money, and I feel awful. I know it's not my fault, but it's hard to not feel any pressure when I'm the only one carrying the baby! I've gone back and forth a lot about whether I should just be induced so that things could work more in our favor. Mostly my favor. Meaning I'll actually have help when the baby's born. Kelsey's birth was just so crazy and we were so lonely and isolated and knew absolutely no one. This time was going to be different. We made very deliberate plans, that for any of the other kids would have been perfect. But this little one is sure throwing us for a loop. It is proof to me that just when I think I have everything figured out, I realize that I have absolutely nothing figured out. That can be very frustrating because having a baby is sort of a big deal, and yet I get no say in when it happens and how it plays out. I suppose there's a lot of good lessons in that for me to learn.

I feel bad for my family because of how ornery it has made me. I have been feeling so angry. Not really sure who I'm angry at, but I know it gets taken out on those nearest to me and I don't mean to. This morning was especially bad. I didn't want to go to church and hear comments, and mostly didn't want to go to nursery (we had 17 kids today) as it is so hard and uncomfortable physically. But the opening hymn was Count your many blessings, and it was really humbling to think about the words as I sang that song. I really do still have so much to be grateful for. Even though he's late, the baby and I are both still very healthy. I feel blessed to be able to have another child at all, so it put me in my place. My favorite line from that song was where it said "count your many blessings angels will attend, help and comfort give you till your journey's end." I don't know when this journey is going to end. It feels like I'm just going to be pregnant forever. But I am definitely calling on the assistance of angels as I endure these days and weeks, and certainly for the delivery of my ever-growing baby boy. Then I couldn't even sing the sacrament hymn because I was crying the whole way through. Kenny said he was worried that maybe I was having painful contractions and just wasn't saying anything haha. Oh how I wish that were the case. But the spirit was really strong for me as I felt like my prayers were finally being answered, like I was finally heard and received so much comfort. Obviously I'm an emotional wreck right now.

I'm trying to relinquish my need to control this situation and trust that the Lord is mindful of me and what I'm going through. I still don't know how things are going to work out, but they will. Even if I don't have my mom here when he's born, we will survive. We always do. As much as we try to avoid it, sometimes we just get to do hard things. That's life. And I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I will keep telling myself that.