Critical Mass

You know at the airport baggage claim how that little conveyor belt just goes around and around and you just try to grab your suitcase before it leaves? Well that's sort of how my life has felt lately. I feel like the days  are just flying by and I'm trying to grab things and pick up pieces as I go but I just want to push a big red button to STOP for a second. Or at least slow down! Very out-of-control feeling around here. But not all bad, mind you. Just crazy.

I've had a lot of people ask me, "So what's it like to have 5?" Most think it's probably not much different than 4. And maybe eventually it won't be. But I feel like with every child there's an adjustment period. You get knocked flat on your back and it takes a while to get on your feet and going again. At least I feel that way, I surely can't speak for everyone.

Especially when he hasn't been the easiest baby. He can be pretty fussy, he only sleeps in his carrier during the day and he spits up EVERYTHING. Like constantly spewing all over the place. It makes for A LOT of laundry for both of us.

Another factor is that I homeschool. So anywhere we go I have to bring all 5 kids with me. Also, my oldest child is 7 years old. Lots of little needs to attend to all day, and we're quite a crowd. I don't get any breaks and I'm tired all the time. I think I'm doing okay until something happens and I snap. Like today Briggs smiled at me. A real, actual, deliberate smile AT ME and I broke down crying. It was so dang cute and I guess I really needed to make that connection with him. Like all these sleepless nights and hours of feeding is worth it because he recognized me and knew me.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining here. I'm not. I'm just stating the facts of my current life. Yes, I'm struggling, every single day. But I remind myself that we chose this life, and with many reasons to back it up. We purposefully brought these children into our home, and we chose to homeschool also. But it's still hard every day. Just as one may choose to go on a mission and describe it as the hardest years of their life.

But ya know what, it's a really GOOD kind of exhaustion. I go and go and when my head hits my pillow at night I'm full and satisfied with my efforts. I know when I'm like 86 or something nobody's going to care where I am or what I'm doing. But right now I'm surrounded (literally) by people that really need me and love me. I spend all my energies into shaping these little lives and teaching and nurturing, and that's a beautiful blessing.

My parents always describe having 5 kids as "critical mass". My dad keeps saying that if you can handle 5, you can handle any number. At this point I'm pretty sure we can't even talk about having more kids until Briggs turns 5 years old. But it is comforting to know it will get better. Or if it doesn't get better, it's at least not going to get worse. :)